My Tweets

august
August Trometer
Entrepreneur, actor, author, renaissance man, ninja

Change User

  • @RobertDowneyJr @YouTube Can I vote for the past? You know, the one where Trump wasn’t elected? Sun Oct 25
  • @BarackObama Sir, you have long been on my would-love-to-have-lunch-with list. I know I will never get that opportu… https://t.co/TZWmNayw0f Thu Oct 22
  • @NealjBrown Mmmmmm. Umami! Wed Oct 14
  • @johncusack I SO voted. https://t.co/CC3adMvIzG Sat Oct 10
  • After tonight, I've made up my mind. I'm voting for the fly. Thu Oct 08
  • Headfly is the new Left Shark. Thu Oct 08
  • @realDonaldTrump Oh, poor dumb Donald. You're off your meds again. Thu Oct 08
  • Lord of the Flies is gathering them. Thu Oct 08
  • @NealjBrown Sometimes I feel like a hobbit. There’s first brunch followed by second brunch and then a third brunch.… https://t.co/pGc3m8TnqU Mon Oct 05
  • Alec Baldwin's agent is totally freaking out right now. Fri Oct 02
  • .@Tesla You guys really know how to kill the customer experience. I expected better. Wed Sep 23
  • @StephenKing You too!? Tue Sep 22
  • @NealjBrown They use a delicious queso that's Nacho Cheese. Mon Sep 21
  • @senatemajldr You’re a hypocritical dick. Sat Sep 19
  • @senatemajldr You’re a hypocritical dick. LET THE PEOPLE DECIDE! Sat Sep 19
  • @michaelq @macosken I get where you're coming from, and I don't disagree. But for many, it's irresponsible to relea… https://t.co/cMSxtF9Sym Fri Sep 18
  • @ourhousenj Thank you! Tue Sep 15
  • @NealjBrown https://t.co/IMEedfkw5s Tue Sep 15
  • @NealjBrown https://t.co/WCcQAJ10wH Tue Sep 15
  • @Betette Then we must have had a lot of snow days. Tue Sep 08
  • @Moike_the_Squid @JonVirtual All good, dude. Good luck with the lock. Wed Sep 02
  • @Moike_the_Squid @JonVirtual Sorry about that. Try someone else? Tue Sep 01
  • @OleratoRobyn I'll try, but no promises. Tue Aug 25
  • @Lucilles_BBQ Thank you for proving my point about your crappy customer service. Sat Aug 22
  • @MercedesBenzUSA Feel like I'm getting scammed on service at my local MB. Thinking I need to upgrade to something from @BMWUSA. Tue Aug 18
  • @mbofwisimonson There's nothing like bringing your Mercedes in for service and feeling like you're getting scammed.… https://t.co/8zL83N6ta5 Tue Aug 18
  • @GetSpectrum up to your old tricks, I see. As soon as @ATT is in my neighborhood, I’m kicking you to the curb faster than an Indy car. Thu Aug 13
  • @Lucilles_BBQ Seems your customer service is just as bad as your food. Next time I’ll go elsewhere. Tue Aug 11
  • @Apple News is becoming more and more crapware, and I’m about to get rid of it. Sun Aug 09
  • @theafro_samurai Don’t worry, I’m very relaxed. Thu Aug 06
  • @longshotauthor You’re a rat bastard for making Peace Talks end like it did! Also, I loved the tale. Can’t wait for the next book! Mon Aug 03
  • @dunkindonuts Just moved to a neighborhood with a Dunkin’ Donuts. Donuts were mushy and underdone, drinks that shou… https://t.co/xQI6JEYTnB Wed Jul 22
  • @ChefSteps the Joule is the dumbest sous vide device ever. ALL I WANT TO DO IS COOK, yet I’m stuck dealing with a s… https://t.co/X4TMBCfMcL Sun Jul 12
  • @DoorDash Won’t be using you guys again. Terrible service. Mon Jun 15
  • .@DoorDash_Help How do I change my tip? My order was 20 minutes late. Mon Feb 10
  • .@DoorDash How do I change my tip? My order was 20 minutes late. Mon Feb 10
  • If I could pick my super power, it would be napping. Fri Jan 17
  • Well, my New Year’s resolution to not read any of Rolland Lopez’s New Year’s resolutions is over. Looking forward to 2021. Mon Jan 13
  • Ford v Ferrari. Wow. What a ride! Fri Jan 03
  • I guess hindsight isn't 2020 anymore. Wed Jan 01
  • The Mandalorian finale, am I right!? Sat Dec 28
  • This is awesome. https://t.co/JTNNiu8hYW Thu Dec 26
  • Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve! Sun Dec 22
  • I have no words. https://t.co/O3ryLE8sY2 https://t.co/O3ryLE8sY2 Mon Dec 09
  • Happiness is being cold and seeing your cat leave her spot on the couch so you can sit where it’s warm. Fri Nov 15
  • 240 years, America. It was a good run. I’ll miss you. Wed Nov 13
  • Here’s a headline I didn’t need... https://t.co/uTgq6xyi9Q Mon Nov 04
  • There are only so many places to hide things in an LA apartment, yet Bond has found a way to hide the TV remote so… https://t.co/wO4vyfTQ6v Tue Oct 29
  • Bond’s first birthday was Friday, so I took him to the DMV for his license. He passed the eye test with no problems… https://t.co/lV63TiPDxt Sun Oct 13
  • Instead of playing “This little piggie” with their kids toes, do vegetarian parents play “This little tofu?” Sun Sep 29
  • Where do I file a complaint? This is ridiculous. I pay way too much rent to have a rainy day in September! Sat Sep 28
  • @realDonaldTrump You are the swamp. Fri Sep 27
  • Pumpkin Spice Spam is a real thing and the apocalypse is officially here. https://t.co/MY8y3zAprd https://t.co/MY8y3zAprd Fri Sep 20
  • @feelingbruva_ Could you be more specific? Thu Sep 19
  • @nothingmuchpod @peripherys_ I don't know what I did, but you're quite welcome! Tue Sep 10
  • This is simply wonderful. https://t.co/CMukgYsBCr https://t.co/CMukgYsBCr Sun Sep 08
  • @LoveAshley_G BYEEEEEE! Tue Sep 03
  • @Richard_Kadrey Bastards! Fri Aug 30
  • @Thabane_ That's a little harsh, don't you think? Thu Aug 29
  • @realDonaldTrump Replace “Media” with “Presidency” and you’ve nailed it. Thu Aug 29
  • @actualanggel Always gentle. Maybe a hug? Tue Aug 27
  • @urfavculex I get that a lot. Tue Aug 27
  • @Tshiaya Abracadabra! Tue Aug 27
  • @sashbutta Thank you! Tue Aug 27
  • @Christian_239 Let's make it 22 next year, shall we? Tue Aug 27
  • @cyberhellgf Keep begging, because I'm a dude! Tue Aug 27
  • @cocomkan Keep beggin', because I'm a dude. Tue Aug 27
  • @ramkumar2890 Happy birthday! Tue Aug 27
  • @lanni_something Thank you! I appreciate the support! Tue Aug 27
  • @NoniMsi Thanks. I did my best! Tue Aug 27
  • @WallyB504 That's a little harsh, don't you think? Tue Aug 27
  • Proudest dad in the world. Bond doesn't like Baby Shark. Thu Aug 22
  • Met a couple at a party and we were discussing the pros and cons of various baby strollers and OMYGOD THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME! Sun Aug 18
  • @EdMcDonaldTFK Vicious, nasty beasts, and they're always plotting your downfall, which, because they're turtles, will take a very long time. Thu Aug 01
  • @EdMcDonaldTFK I hate you. I hate you for your beautiful prose. I hate you for your unbelievable world building. I… https://t.co/4NVryW8G79 Thu Aug 01
  • Question: you live on the 9th floor of a building without power. Elevators don’t work. Is now the best or worst time to order a pizza? Sun Jul 28
  • Daenerys Targaryen just sat down next to me and ordered a wine spritzer. I guess character commitment can only go so far. Sat Jul 20
  • I am woefully undercostumed. Sat Jul 20
  • Captain America just zoomed by me on a motorcycle and now I feel safe. Sat Jul 20
  • @Airbnb Booked my first Airbnb stay for this weekend, and the owner has gone MIA. WTF? What are my options if the o… https://t.co/eznzSnAAcE Sat Jul 20
  • You never forget your first Comic-con. Fri Jul 19
  • Speculation on Star Wars 9... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thinking Luke has pulled a Spock/Bones and uploaded himself to R2D2 (whic… https://t.co/CzFmbw6rnK Fri Jul 12
  • RIP Rip Torn. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. Wed Jul 10
  • Me: Hey, Siri, play some music. Siri: I think you'd like to start off with some Ariana Grande. Apparently, Siri doesn't know me very well. Mon Jul 01
  • @KennyEarlz @7Horse_ They were fantastic! Sun Jun 30
  • @amandacarpenter Loved your piece on Sarah Sanders. Sorry that happened to you. Keep up the good work. Sat Jun 29
  • 7Horse at the The Viper Room tonight. Can’t wait! Fri Jun 28
  • How long until all anyone remembers of Paul Newman is that he makes pasta sauce and frozen pizzas? Tue Jun 25
  • Got my very first Father’s Day card today. Awesome. And weird. Sun Jun 16
  • @veschwab Stunning. Sat Jun 15
  • Don't stop beliebing... Tue Jun 11
  • Rocketman. Absolutely brilliant. Sun Jun 09
  • @verizon Total fail on your stupid phone/chat support system. Maybe I should switch to @ATT to see if they can do better. Fri May 31
  • @veschwab Slacker. 🤪 Wed May 29
  • Last night I dreamt about Joey Greer, but, really, doesn't everybody? Tue May 28
  • @veschwab And my son. https://t.co/QpsoqRq5uR Fri May 24
  • @veschwab Peculiar coats. Fri May 24
  • Meh. Mon May 20
  • So @hbo takes away Daenerys’s Starbucks, and then she goes nuts. It all makes sense now. Mon May 20
  • What’s up with the restaurants today? It’s like everybody and their mother went to brunch. Sun May 12
  • Saw the Avengers movie tonight. It's a hot mess of a movie, but I loved every chaotic minute of it. It's an exercis… https://t.co/qpg59I3SRt Fri May 03
  • @CBS @JeffProbst Getting seriously grumpy at the iTunes delay for new episodes of Survivor. WTF? I've seen every ep… https://t.co/vI2iyRgIku Fri May 03
  • Facebook told me to wish someone a happy birthday to show I'm thinking of them, which I wasn't, but now I am, so was Facebook wrong? Tue Apr 30
  • Was thinking of going to a movie this afternoon. Any suggestions? Sat Apr 27
  • Saw Avengers: Endgame last night. Daenerys showing up with dragons was a weird crossover, but it was one of the best scenes in the movie. Thu Apr 25
  • @Galactoise @Logitech @gigastacey Yeah, I’ve been known to be a skinflint. Thu Apr 25
  • @Richard_Kadrey Sounds like the Times has adopted the cancellation policies of cable companies. Sun Apr 21
  • @sblackmoore A pre-order just showed up in my inbox. Can't wait to turn the first page... Tue Apr 16
  • @survivorcbs It would be great to watch this, but I can't, because you seem to be blocking new episodes from playin… https://t.co/GbrZAoKOTF Sun Apr 07
  • @AppleTV WTF is going on with CBS (@CBS) and Survivor (@survivorcbs)? Episodes are taking DAYS to show up as availa… https://t.co/0bbOkMDrkA Sun Apr 07
  • . @sblackmoore, is it April 16th yet? Thu Apr 04
  • @Richard_Kadrey It’s not the size of your wristband, it’s how you use it. Sat Mar 23
  • @Richard_Kadrey Is Yanni next? Sat Mar 23
  • I can’t wait for the scene in Bill & Ted’s 3 where Keanu kills 8 people with a pencil. Wed Mar 20
  • The world needs more stories (and people) like this. https://t.co/5BD6m820JD https://t.co/5BD6m820JD Sun Jan 27
  • @booshtukka I'm probably not the right person to ask. Fri Jan 25
  • Monterey Jack is the Jay Leno of cheeses. Tue Jan 22
  • Huey Lewis and the News are thoroughly underappreciated. Mon Jan 21
  • Most days, I open my browser, see the news, and I want to do this... https://t.co/pT7k7h1VZG https://t.co/pT7k7h1VZG Fri Jan 18
  • @Jury Or “pains” out… Sorry. French joke. Sat Jan 05
  • Is there a return policy for babies? I just found out mine likes Disco. Mon Dec 31
  • Damn! It’s so windy out, it almost messed up my hair! Fri Dec 28
  • Happy, happy baby! Tue Dec 25
  • For those looking for last minute gift ideas, I gladly accept cash. Mon Dec 24
  • Merry Christmas Eve Eve Eve! Sat Dec 22
  • @txhammer @Sonos @AppleMusic @SonosSupport I don't do doorbell announcements for free. Thu Dec 20
  • Just changed Bond's diaper, and it's official, he's lost that new car smell. Tue Dec 18
  • Based on current patterns, we should have named the baby Harry Potty the Whizzer. Mon Dec 17
  • RT @amandadeibert: Best I’ve seen. https://t.co/SQyDFXjfSW Thu Dec 13
  • Beth and I were looking for a movie to watch. She said, “How about Die Hard?” and I officially have the best wife ever. Mon Dec 10
  • RT @nptacek: The Checklist podcast by @SecureMac is one of the the launch shows on the new podcast platform from @pandoramusic! Super proud… Fri Dec 07
  • @realDonaldTrump Oh, you're not cleared. Not by a longshot. I hope you like wearing orange, little orange man. Fri Dec 07
  • It's a hot chocolate kind of day. Thu Dec 06
  • @realDonaldTrump Keep dancin', Dumb Donny. Keep dancin'. #FakePresident Fri Nov 30
  • @realDonaldTrump Sounds like you're getting scared, Dumb Donny. With any luck, your clothing will match your orange… https://t.co/oWX2XYFaWk Fri Nov 30
  • Just noticed that Marc Warzecha is teaching another epic "Create a Sketch Show in a Week" class at Second City. If… https://t.co/uzqwJkmMCI Fri Nov 30
  • Big day for science. Way to go NASA InSight! Mon Nov 26
  • Beth is getting her hair done, which means some much needed R&R and time away from the baby. On a completely unre… https://t.co/S0Z0fLsp8p Sun Nov 25
  • Had the birds and bees talk with Bond today. He’s only 6 weeks old, but now I don’t have to do it when it’s awkward. Sun Nov 25
  • @sblackmoore This seems to be a site you might like... https://t.co/KZ9BXFmH0d Sat Nov 24
  • Mickelson... https://t.co/gO0i8MfIkC Sat Nov 24
  • I don't care that it's not Monday. It's a red beans and rice kind of day. Sat Nov 24
  • An example of the Daily Battle: Me: I think the baby needs a big LEGO set for Christmas. Her: He’ll only be 2 mo… https://t.co/GfgOzoQsW8 Sat Nov 24
  • Plunk your magic twanger, Froggy! Wed Nov 21
  • I don’t know about you, but I’ve never met a foo that needed fighting. Sat Nov 17
  • Whoever coined the phrase "sleeping like a baby" obviously never had a baby. Fri Nov 16
  • @BestBuy Was prepared to write an unexpected buy glowing review. But then you dropped the ball like a high school freshman. Fri Nov 16
  • @BestBuy Completely torn about you. Alternatively was impressed and now hate your Geek Squad and customer service. Ugh. Fri Nov 16
  • @BarackObama Yes, all of us can do our best. All except that idiot @realDonaldTrump. Mon Nov 12
  • Definitely getting the sense that someone's going to have to give the Weekend at Bernie's treatment to RBG. Thu Nov 08
  • Remember, the only one who can change things is you, and the only way to do that is vote. Tue Nov 06
  • @Lowes Maybe this is because your customer service is so bad, hm? https://t.co/Ria0UCgm1X Mon Nov 05
  • @Lowes Yeaterday @HomeDepot took a crap on my day. Feel like stepping in? Thu Oct 25
  • @FreshBrothers As expected, it looks like your COO didn’t really want to speak with me after all. The fish rots fro… https://t.co/v2OFeWbUVQ Wed Oct 24
  • @HomeDepot Congratulations on another dissatisfied customer. I’ll be ordering from @Amazon from now on I guess. Tue Oct 23
  • @tedcruz How does it feel to sell your soul to the devil? You should be ashamed. #coward #IHopeYouLose Tue Oct 23
  • This week's Doctor Who is the best episode of Timeless ever. Tue Oct 23
  • @realDonaldTrump The UN laughed in your face. Now the EU is doing the same because of Saudi Arabia. You're a laughi… https://t.co/OnyQoj2k5K Mon Oct 22
  • Ever since we brought the baby home, there’s been nothing but crying, pooping, and more crying. And sometimes even from the baby. Fri Oct 19
  • @CkayHektoh Then beg a different August, because I’m a dude. Mon Oct 01
  • @BethOwen1311 @SkylarBelton @KayleeLaurin I don’t recall sending that, but congrats on Delta State. Mon Oct 01
  • @freshbrothers Strike three. You’re out. Do you know the number for @papajohns? Mon Oct 01
  • @hulu Well, I don't know about you ruining TV, but you certainly ruined Hulu with the new, stupid update. Sat Sep 29
  • @realDonaldTrump Where you were a laughingstock. Nicely done. #FakePresident Wed Sep 26
  • @ChuckGrassley You're despicable. Sat Sep 22
  • @b_omulepu @OAmollo Thank you? Sat Sep 22
  • @ChuckGrassley What if it were YOUR daughter? Think about it. Sat Sep 22
  • @SenateMajLdr You're not a leader, you're a puppet. What if it was YOUR daughter? Sat Sep 22
  • @Richard_Kadrey @thewitthewhimsy In space, no one can hear you moo. Sun Sep 16
  • @realDonaldTrump You do know people are dying due to a horrendous storm, right? Maybe you should worry about those… https://t.co/0pmja7G1n6 Sun Sep 16
  • @realDonaldTrump You're reprehensible, and you should be ashamed of yourself. #FAKEpresident Sat Sep 15
  • @sblackmoore Pre-order locked and loaded. And sorry about the “classy” thing. Didn’t mean to ruin your reputation! ;) Sat Sep 01
  • If you call someone your “rock” does that mean they’re hard and jagged? Fri Aug 31
  • @Ela_Chuchi That sounds so…permanent. Fri Aug 31
  • @sblackmoore @Richard_Kadrey Super classy move, @sblackmoore. The world needs more people like that. (And it’s a g… https://t.co/agMgBZsGTB Fri Aug 31
  • @Its_justsage I know, right! Fri Aug 31
  • @Wangqhazar Whoa. Kinda rude. Fri Aug 31
  • @Its_justsage Uncool. Fri Aug 31
  • Trump is definitely on to something saying Google returns incorrect results, because every time I Google “Trump new… https://t.co/5aVw09leuK Tue Aug 28
  • @hughhowey Saw this. Totally freaks me out. https://t.co/iLTBXYxWF8 Fri Aug 24
  • Left turn, Clyde. Fri Aug 10
  • @chuckdude Deal! Sat Aug 04
  • In the Baby Care class, there’s a whole section on Crying and Comforting, which is great because after the baby is… https://t.co/wuGr5lMRcI Sat Aug 04
  • At the Baby Care 101 class with Beth, and everyone’s laughing at this guy who has a dumb deer-in-the-headlights loo… https://t.co/tQuj2NyMKa Sat Aug 04
  • @realDonaldTrump Still less than the popular vote... Thu Aug 02
  • RT @jlazarus001: Hey remember when Congress did things like pass laws and exercise the power of the purse and serve as an effective check o… Mon Jul 30
  • Honestly. Isn't EVERY week Shark Week? Tue Jul 24
  • Beth wants us to take a "Baby Care 101" class. Seriously? Give it plenty of water, proper sunlight, and fertilizer… https://t.co/SicrN6xd4N Sun Jul 22
  • https://t.co/ttk7rIoktn Here’s to tackling big, amazing things. Fri Jul 20
  • @realDonaldTrump So @FoxNews is Fake News now, too? Tue Jul 17
  • They should have called it “The Lost World: Fallen Asleep.” Ugh. Tue Jul 17
  • The entire White House staff after today’s @realDonaldTrump debacle: “Please tell me there’s no pee tape. Please te… https://t.co/o2BxdqvNNB Mon Jul 16
  • You know it’s bad when even @FoxNews says, “WTF!?” about @realDonaldTrump. #baby #FakePresident Mon Jul 16
  • Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee… https://t.co/57VZgywC16 Sun Jul 15
  • “Skyscraper” is silly, absurd, and ridiculous, and I loved every flipping minute of it! Sat Jul 14
  • Round and round and round we go! https://t.co/IIVGLPPZPg Thu Jul 05
  • @BenedictJacka Ha! Looking forward to it! Thu Jul 05
  • Damn you, @BenedictJacka, for writing a book that I read in a day, and now I have to wait at least a year for the n… https://t.co/6plpa6GyTI Wed Jul 04
  • Pro tip: count your fingers now, folks, before things get crazy and you forget how many you started with. Wed Jul 04
  • Happy Explosives and Booze Day, everyone! Be careful out there! Wed Jul 04

Note: Twitter limits the number of tweets returned to 3,200.